BELATED INSTUCTIONS TO SAD MORTAL MEN

Dear Devoted Readers,

INTRODUCING THE GODDESS'S NEW BLOG ASSISTANT

I am Wilma Proops and I have been given the enormous duty of keeping The Goddess of Football's blog updated. As I also write the ONLY COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE in the world this is a huge responsibility and I only hope I can live up to it. Fortunately, although I'm a Liverpudlian (a native of Liverpool, England, aka a Scouser) I don't support any particular side and I'm partial to David Beckham too - so SHE can't punish me if I fail HER. I think this keeps our relationship on a even keel. SHE knows that I'm really enjoying my time by Posh and Becks pool and offering lots of advice to Hollywood celebs (including some much needed by Tom Cruise - but I won't nore you with that here.) Now, to the matter in hand, the words and predictions of The Only True Goddess of Football. Worship HER and your team will win, deny HER and they will lose.

THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL ENJOYS LIFE IN LA

The Goddess of Football left the following message on my answer phone and instructions to me to publish it here, on HER blog. SHE makes no apology for neglecting to update this blog since the start of the new season. SHE spends much of HER time nowadays in LA, by the side of HER favourite on Earth's luxurious pool or relaxing beneath the shade in his adjoining orchard. However, SHE was in Chelsea this week causing mischief and taking HER fun . . .

SHE WILL PUNISH ALL FOR LAPSES

"Tell the sad, mortal men that I haven't forgotten them and advise them not to slip into their bad old ways - unless they want to experience defeat and utter football humiliation. Warn them that I am gifted with the powers of retrospective sight and can view their worship (or lack of it), like they do DVDs of their special games. They will not be forgiven lapses in worship nor hygeine".

DENNIS WISE AND LEEDS UNITED

"Tell them about Dennis Wise. Remind them of Wisey's 2006/7 season for this is an excellent example of what befalls those that refuse to honour me and never dance naked in front of MY shrine. Relegation was Wisey's first punishment in your sad previous season - and the delicious second were the points deducted. [The Goddess of Football laughed at this point of the message for about two minutes]. Then tell them how Wisey started dancing afront MY shrine. How he has reliquished his master bedroom, with its divine south facing view of lawns and river beyond, and made it a chapel in which he worships me daily. They will no doubt know that Wisey has not lost a game - home or away - this season. This most exquisite dancer struts his naked stuff well for me - he is an adventurous mover - and I will continue to reward him as long as he and all Leeds United supporters give prayers to ME, the Only True Goddess of Football."

JOSE LEAVES CHELSEA ~ PUNISHMENT FOR BECKHAM JEALOUSY

"Confirm to MY followers that the problemas at Chelsea have been aroused by ME. Ask them, did they see MY follower live on the Channel 5 News about Jose leaving? Did they see MY follower do as he was instructed and hoist as instructed the sign saying "F*CK OF MUHRINO"? [I added the *.] Jose was and is one of MY favourites on earth - I cannot resist this sexy little man and phwoar does his dance seductively for ME. Sometimes though, no matter how diligent a follower is, they need a little reminder of my far-reaching powers. No matter how good, I will not permit jealousy and I'm afraid that Jose became jealous of my favourite on Earth - David Beckham."

JOSE AND SIR ALEX ~ MAN U v CHELSEA 24th SEPTEMBER 2007

"Ask them, was it nice of Sir Alex to say he will "miss Jose"? Tell them, he didn't really want to say this at all and I had to prevent him from saying "Good riddance, little man". As for Sunday, when Chelsea travel to Old Trafford I'm likely going to please both Alex and Jose with a comprehesive thrashing of the Blues. But who knows - imagine Alex's face should the Reds become thrashed - you know how I enjoy seeing grown men cry! Either way, you'll all know if I'm there. If I decide to sun myself in LA it will be a very boring draw"

The Goddess ended her message thus:

"Take care thee sad mortal men ~ be mindful it is I, Your Only True Goddess of Football, decides who will win and who will lose"

LOVE THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL OR LOSE!

Love, Love, Love the Goddess of Football or your team will Lose, Lose, Lose! From The Goddess’s Own Journal 18th January 2007 Hello mortal men, ‘tis I, your most demanding Goddess of Football. Those of you who dance before My shrine (including David Beckham, Thierry Henry, Roman Abramovich and many dedicated fans) experience the thrills of victory and ultimate seasonal football glory. Those that do not (including Dennis Wise) see their side lose and suffer humiliation. It’s as simple as that! Dance for Me to avoid your side’s relegation; dance well and I’ll throw in a cup. Football success is nothing to do with investment, formation or the use of substitution but how you strut your stuff for Me, the only true Goddess of Football. There follows two stories to illustrate my power. Perhaps you will heed My words and erect My shrine after reading them. Do you really want to risk My wrath? Of course you don’t! So, away with you sad mortal men and bathe and build me a shrine before reading more and learning My divine secrets and reading about a famoustriumph of mine last season and more about My favourite on Earth, David Beckham. FA CUP - NEWCASTLE 1 BIRMINGHAM CITY 5 This was My punishment for all those Geordies who treat My mortal sisters badly. You are apt to suppress your feminine sides and steadfastly refuse to dance, naked (or even partially clothed) affront My shrine. What is more, you say persistently, things such as “wiy- ay – luke a tha tits on thart” or other such crude utterings to My mortal sisters. To use words you’ll understand, I’ll not be having any of this. The result above was a punishment for your two-timing, your vulgarity and your denial of Me, the only true Goddess of Football. SEE HOW THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN! Your punishment was comprehensive on Wednesday 17th January. I watched your faces – all 24,000 of you (I had hoped for more), such a delight. Despite your small numbers you were in multi-macho mode, drunken you belched and farted your sad songs. It was so rewarding to see you crest fallen in unison after the first five minutes with that crafty first blood by McSheffrey – a man who is no stranger to My shrine. Yet, you managed to sustain hope – so I arranged Solano to shut you up using one of my tried and tested remedies – the own goal, just before half time. Such fun to see you weep. There’s little point in describing Milner’s goal and I’ll not tease you further with tales of the next three that sailed by your poor goalie man, suffice it to say that all three scorers against you at unholy Saint James’ Park had danced for Me the night before, as had Steve Bruce and all true Birmingham City fans. You could learn from them, sad mortal men of Newcastle United. These BCFC fans have learnt to dance for me. They wear bangles on their wrists and on other appendages when naked – their jingle, jangles waft up into my heavenly abode. I am pleased with them when I look down upon their joyful cavorting. They have learnt to treat their women how they would treat me should I ever reveal myself to them – this is very good. These Brummies have reformed themselves indeed so believe me and take some hope Geordies, such reform is not beyond, even you. For these Brummies (mark my words oh Geordie louts) daily personal grooming and two showers each day now replaces their shower every other day routines – they deserve to do well next season and as I fortold last year - they have been prepared with Premiership promotion. If more fans had danced for me they would have gone on to win the the FA Cup. Keep strutting your stuff oh reformed Brummie mortal men, for you are pleasing Me. DAVID BECKHAM CONTINUES TO DANCE NAKED FOR ME David Beckham knows how to please his Goddess of Football. He lavishes perfume on My shrine and several venerated niches throughout his many palaces. He knows I do not take kindly to plug in air fresheners and that I prefer Givenchy (apart from Amirage). I may have mentioned elsewhere – for it is my favourite anecdote – that David once famously wore a skirt for me in public. His career continues to prosper and I know he’ll be happy in Major League Soccer and fans of LA Galaxy are, as I predicted many years ago. His new fans are learning to love him, for I have shown them the path. I hope that sufficient numbers of these fans learn to dance naked before My shrine in the manner David teaches them. For if they do not LA Galaxy will lose and suffer humiliation.

Here Endeth My Sermon

Your ONLY true

Goddess of Football

The Goddess Moves in Mysterious Ways Her Wonders to Perform

THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL moves in mysterious ways Her wonders to perform and it has fallen to me to write about her latest movements. These are made to assist her followers on Earth. Those men who dance naked affront Her shrine, attend to their personal hygiene, embrace their feminine side and treat mortal women with respect are the only ones allowed to follow Her. Praise be to The Goddess of Football! TRUE FOLLOWERS BE ASSURED True followers will know that She is a powerful Goddess but that there have been occasions (witness the dropping of Becks – her favourite on Earth – from the En-ga-land football team) when her powers have been diminished. True followers keep faith and are rewarded for doing so. NON-BELIEVERS TAKE HEED Please try to understand, oh foolish non-believers that in the Parthenon of polytheist power politics, conspiracy is not banished. Complexity entangles within multi-omnipotent parallels where predictability lives alongside the uni-omnipotent. (See it as another game if you are struggling to make sense of the revelations contained in this blog and other writing inspired by the Only True Goddess of Football). It is a true measure of The Goddess’s powers that She was able to ascend once more the hierarchy of the Immortals and ensure the glorious return of David Beckham to the En-ga-land team. Know also that it was this Goddess who beckoned Becks thither to play for LA Galaxy and gave him the stamina to go out a winner at Real Madrid. This was engineered by The Goddess. Praise be to the Goddess of Football. THE GODDESS SEES AND HEARS ALL SAD MORTAL MEN The Goddess knows, indeed she has heard you saying, despite your belching, farting and gulping of pints, interrupted by your constant need to piss, in your manly pubs on a Saturday night, that you do not share her favour of Becks. You call him “wanker” and “ponce” but you are wrong to do so and will be punished next season . . . just you wait and see. SAD MORTALS CRITICISE BECKS Although recently you begrudgingly admitted Becks’ recall to the team saved En-ga-land from certain humiliation, you now moan on about his imminent departure to play football for LA Galaxy. “He’ll have jet lag . . . the Yanks won’t give him time off.” You stupid, stupid, sad mortal men, how wrong you are. Do you really understand so little about the powers of The Goddess of Football? Can you really not see how She moves in mysterious ways Her wonders to perform for Her favourite on Earth? Do you not read the news? DAVID BECKHAM IS YOUR ROLE MODEL My Goddess understands you sad Mortals – you will not see Becks as your role model and you do not enjoy being told he has better houses and cars than your sad selves. Becks’ wife Posh is also better than your wives (not because your wives don’t have it in them to achieve as much as Victoria but because your heathen ways give them no chance to do so) but you are loathed to admit this fact. Indeed you are most insulting of the Goddess’s favourite Victoria Beckham. Be mindful that you will be punished for this next season also . . . just you wait and see. GIRL POWER – GODDESS POWER! Your wrongful detestation of Becks and Posh has blinded you to reason. You do not want to hear this but I will state it anyway “David and Victoria Beckham enjoy an active and rewarding sex life and this is much better than that you endure – if you’re lucky and your wife doesn’t wake up. Fortunately, for Her favourite on Earth, the Goddess understands him. Subsequently, seeing that Victoria’s libido is at the moment much greater than David’s, due to the fact that she is not professionally fulfilled, the Goddess sort a way to both ensure Victoria’s sexual demands were decreased and David Beckham would sustain the stamina he needs to lead En-ga-land to World Cup victory. She ensured that all objections were overcome and achieved what some people called “the impossible” – the Spice Girls have been reformed. Praise be The Goddess of Football. Goddess Power!

SERMON ON THE BLOG

Did you know that the Goddess of Football decides which teams will prosper in any given season? I’m not being funny (Leeds fans, and specifically Dennis Wise take note) but perhaps you need to discover the secret powers of the Goddess of Football. Perhaps it’s time to learn how you have displeased her in the past for, without remedying that, you’ll stand absolutely no chance next Season either. The Goddess is especially fond of the English Premier and Championship Leagues but, as she pointed out, she is the Goddess of all Football, even the American type and the Scottish Premier League. She has held this Goddess-ship (so to speak) since Medieval Times and instigated the reformulation of the game from unlimited team sizes, the village versus village, week long format into the 11 per side, 90 minutes (2 x 45 minute halves, change ends at half time) format we so enjoy today. The Goddess of Football, you won’t be surprised to learn, played a crucial role in the invention the Penalty Shoot-Out. Avoid disaster next season by getting to know about the Goddess of Football. Read her ad hoc column here: HOW TO ENSURE YOUR SIDE AVOIDS RELEGATION How to ensure your side avoids relegation, attains victory and always beats your most outstanding foe. Be like David Beckham. Discover and use the powers of the only, true Goddess of Football. The following are the actual words of The Goddess of Football. For best effects, please read aloud. "Show respect Mortal Men, for I am THE Goddess of Football. Those of you who dance before my shrine see their side win and experience glory. Those that do not see their side lose and suffer humiliation. It’s as simple as that! Dance for me to avoid your side’s relegation; dance well and I’ll throw in a cup. Let it be known, Football Success is nothing to do with investment, formation or the use of substitution but how you strut your stuff for me, the only true Goddess of Football. Sad mortal men, it is time to stop criticising David Beckham for you should learn to emulate him. DAVID BECKHAM! My favourite on Earth is David Beckham, no one on earth dances as well as he. Becks knows how to maximise my powers’effects, the style, grooming and hygiene I demand of my followers. Remember when he wore a skirt? Becks certainly shows you how to flirt with me, his Goddess of Football. All you mortal men who berate him perhaps you should actually emulate him. Have you never wondered how he scores from so many unlikely free-kicks? How he pulled Posh? Bought so many mansions and fast cars? Why his life is much better than yours? Yes, he trains hard and lives well (I should know – believe me, his venerated Goddess of Football, and not the vulgar terrace chants) but he does this with a higher purpose. You could learn from Becks and looking down my lists, I see this truth is particularly of interest if you support Rangers or Millwall. THE FIRST STEPS TO ATTAINING YOUR FOOTBALL VICTORIES Mortals please note, I will issue instructions about how you must dance for me soon but first you must prepare my room and erect my altar. You’ll find (should you ever be invited) that David (with Posh’s full approval I’ll add) has a room in every mansion property set aside for me, his special Goddess. Please Note: I prefer clean, bright and south facing rooms in the northern hemisphere. Do not insult me with a box room. Each room dedicated to me should contain fresh cut flowers AT ALL TIMES which YOU MUST YOUSELF tend and arrange daily. As for the positioning of my altar, ask yourself, where would you put a new massive plasma TV? Exactly, that place precisely will do for My altar. MORE INSTRUCTIONS TO FOLLOW In my next bulletins to you sad Mortal Men I will provide further case studies for your consideration. These will be of successful sides, others who are going down and one that will illustrate mediocrity. These will include Chelsea and Man U and Birmingham City (winners), Leeds (losers) and Crystal Palace (mediocre). One last thing before you go to erect my shrine. I can confirm, you are right to suspect the referee, . . . as the referee always plays for me: The most powerful football force in your world, your only true Goddess of Football"

He dared review the Goddess

This mortal dared review The Goddess of Football. I'm not sure if the Goddess allows such pertinence so I have reported this matter to the Goddess and I am awaiting further instructions. The Goddess is at the moment visiting Football Chat Rooms to reveal herself to mortals and will not be attending to this matter until HER visit concludes. SHE has sent me a note about Becks, his latest come-back success and the substantial part that SHE, HERSELF played in Becks' and England's triumph over Estonia. The latter will be published here soon. If you wish to read about the Goddess's trip to Football Chat Rooms see www.comedymoment.blogspot.com He dared criticise the Goddess's web design skills! Somebody tell him, The Goddess HERSELF, does not care for web design and only plays a dictatorial role in this blog. Myself, the Goddess of Football's servant, I feel that clever design, anything with razzmatazz or overly slickness would detract from HER WORDS. I await the Goddess's judgment on this matter and have prepared to take a web design course (just in case).

START PREPARING FOR WORLD CUP 2010

The Goddess of Football - WORLD CUP 2006 SCENE: Brother Vegas is a modern wandering prophet – born again after discovering 11th century manuscripts a few years ago on the road from Glastonbury to Old Trafford. He is now the second earthly disciple of the true Goddess of Football. (The Goddess’s first disciple and Her favourite on Earth is David Beckham, also known as Becks). The manuscripts, authenticated by several leading historians, are currently the subject of a huge historical controversy and religious and secular world leaders are attempting to suppress them. Don’t let them be suppressed, take heed and circulate the happy news. Bro. Vegas is in a pub, preaching to an audience of mortal men, all supporters of Eng-ga-land before a match. He reads verses from the Gospel of the Goddess of Football and adds his own thoughts. The action starts with him finishing Chapter 3: Verse 2 in a booming biblical voice to the stunned mortal me in his audience. “. . . FOR YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION! Behold I have the proof in my hands – the gospel of Fifi, the true Goddess of Football. Follow the instructions of the true Goddess or otherwise Eng-ga-land will lose and suffer humiliation! Listen to me as I quote from the Goddess's Gospel. Chapter Three: Verse fourteen: "Get thee Male Mortals to mine shrine, thence down upon thine knees. For you must worship me, the Goddess of Football. And verily you will know if your groveling affront mine altar is sufficient and if it isn’t you will know it FOR YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION” Brothers, The Goddess tells us exactly what we must do to avoid loss and humiliation. Follow these, Her instructions I beseech you! Pay attention to this: [Bro. Vegas leafs through the manuscript and adopts his biblical reading voice efficient voice] Chapter Six: Verse Twenty-Eight: Erect thee mine icon in a specially prepared niche and there light a candle in mine honour twenty-four hours before thine kick-off. My wick needs lighting and a quick flicker will not suffice. Ensure that I am thus given flame for forty-five minutes twice before the 22nd hour on the pre-match day. And verily you will understand should My needs be unmet for if you fail to satisfy Me, The Goddess of Football, YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION! [addresses his audience] Despite my efforts the Goddess judged that too few Englishmen had lit her wick before the match against Paraguay at the World Cup in 2006. We were only saved by the dance of her favourite on Earth, David Beckham. Without Becks’ dance there would have been a defeat not the almost acceptable draw. But Brothers, the Goddess tells us how we all should dance – if we had followed the example of Holy Becks we would have beaten the Paraquayans. Listen to her instructions I beg you! Listen to this! Chapter three, verse sixteen: "And my followers will dance, some with poles, wearing only smiles on their faces in front of mine image. They will gyrate and pirouette and make good their demi-pliets. Take heed mortals and perform this ritual only when freshly showered. And verily you will realise your dance’s shortcomings and repent your poor hygiene FOR YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION". The Goddess orders that none of her followers be stinky, please understand that cleanliness is truly next to Goddessliness. No more must we skimp on our personal hygiene should we want ultimate football success. I beg you Mortal Men, shower twice daily to ensure Her most celestial support. Chapter Three: Verse Seventeen, I believe, talks directly of World Cup matters: "Once every four years you will renew your vows to me. Venerate your special Goddess of Football! Refurbish my niche, flora festoon mine altar; make sacrifice of expensive perfumes to me. Learn this lesson male mortals for if you fail mine requirements YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION!" There is more – listen, I pray thee, listen Three, Verse Eighteen: "And once every four years also you will renew your vows to me by lavishing gifts upon the women you neglect by watching my tournament. You shall venerate your special Goddess of Football by pandering to mine chosen gender. Decorate their homes, build on extensions, make purchase of flowers, precious stones and expensive perfumes and present them on your knees. Supplicate affront all my women for if you don’t then verily YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION!" Thus, brothers, it is written that male mortals who do not worship the Goddess and do not accept their lowly status in relation to her chosen gender will “LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION" Here endeth chapter three. But take heart male mortals for the Goddess of Football offers hope and incentive for you to follow her - for it is written that “I will bless those who give me, the Goddess of Football, mine proper adoration . . . And they will know that they have given me their Goddess sufficient adoration FOR THEY WILL WIN AND BE REWARDED!” Listen male mortals to the final verse of your Goddess’s gospel and make accordingly your preparations for tomorrow’s Eng-ga-land game, for it is written: Chapter Twenty- Seven: Verse Twenty-Seven: "Affront mine shrine delight me. Seduce me with your commitment and adore me with the attention I demand. Cavort outrageously as you dance naked with abandon and smile adoringly in my direction. Give mine women on earth their warranted superior station. And verily you will know that your Goddess of Football is pleased FOR YOU WILL WIN AND BE REWARDED!" Here endeth my sermon from the Gospel of the Goddess of Football. For more Comedy Monologues see www.comedymoment.blogspot.com

Welcome Losers and Losers

Welcome sad Mortal Men, supporters of the game "Football", wrongly known in America as "Soccer". I am the only true Goddess of Football. Follow me and you will be rewarded with football glory. Turn your back on me, deny my existence and you will lose and suffer humiliation. It's as simple as that oh sad, ridiculous, smelly Mortal Men. IMPORTANT: HURRY! TELL ALL LEEDS SUPPORTERS ABOUT THIS BLOG. TELL MILWALL SUPPORTERS, SUPPORTERS OF CRYSTAL PALACE, BAGGIES AND WOLVES FANS (AND OTHER LOSERS) TO READ THIS BLOG. IF THEY CAN DISCOVER THE GODDESS AND SERVE HER, ADHERE TO HER RULES AND DO WHATEVER SHE TELLS THEM, THEY WILL BE SAVED MUCH ANGUISH AND SADNESS IN THE NEXT FOOTBALL SEASON.