LOVE THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL OR LOSE!

Love, Love, Love the Goddess of Football or your team will Lose, Lose, Lose! From The Goddess’s Own Journal 18th January 2007 Hello mortal men, ‘tis I, your most demanding Goddess of Football. Those of you who dance before My shrine (including David Beckham, Thierry Henry, Roman Abramovich and many dedicated fans) experience the thrills of victory and ultimate seasonal football glory. Those that do not (including Dennis Wise) see their side lose and suffer humiliation. It’s as simple as that! Dance for Me to avoid your side’s relegation; dance well and I’ll throw in a cup. Football success is nothing to do with investment, formation or the use of substitution but how you strut your stuff for Me, the only true Goddess of Football. There follows two stories to illustrate my power. Perhaps you will heed My words and erect My shrine after reading them. Do you really want to risk My wrath? Of course you don’t! So, away with you sad mortal men and bathe and build me a shrine before reading more and learning My divine secrets and reading about a famoustriumph of mine last season and more about My favourite on Earth, David Beckham. FA CUP - NEWCASTLE 1 BIRMINGHAM CITY 5 This was My punishment for all those Geordies who treat My mortal sisters badly. You are apt to suppress your feminine sides and steadfastly refuse to dance, naked (or even partially clothed) affront My shrine. What is more, you say persistently, things such as “wiy- ay – luke a tha tits on thart” or other such crude utterings to My mortal sisters. To use words you’ll understand, I’ll not be having any of this. The result above was a punishment for your two-timing, your vulgarity and your denial of Me, the only true Goddess of Football. SEE HOW THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN! Your punishment was comprehensive on Wednesday 17th January. I watched your faces – all 24,000 of you (I had hoped for more), such a delight. Despite your small numbers you were in multi-macho mode, drunken you belched and farted your sad songs. It was so rewarding to see you crest fallen in unison after the first five minutes with that crafty first blood by McSheffrey – a man who is no stranger to My shrine. Yet, you managed to sustain hope – so I arranged Solano to shut you up using one of my tried and tested remedies – the own goal, just before half time. Such fun to see you weep. There’s little point in describing Milner’s goal and I’ll not tease you further with tales of the next three that sailed by your poor goalie man, suffice it to say that all three scorers against you at unholy Saint James’ Park had danced for Me the night before, as had Steve Bruce and all true Birmingham City fans. You could learn from them, sad mortal men of Newcastle United. These BCFC fans have learnt to dance for me. They wear bangles on their wrists and on other appendages when naked – their jingle, jangles waft up into my heavenly abode. I am pleased with them when I look down upon their joyful cavorting. They have learnt to treat their women how they would treat me should I ever reveal myself to them – this is very good. These Brummies have reformed themselves indeed so believe me and take some hope Geordies, such reform is not beyond, even you. For these Brummies (mark my words oh Geordie louts) daily personal grooming and two showers each day now replaces their shower every other day routines – they deserve to do well next season and as I fortold last year - they have been prepared with Premiership promotion. If more fans had danced for me they would have gone on to win the the FA Cup. Keep strutting your stuff oh reformed Brummie mortal men, for you are pleasing Me. DAVID BECKHAM CONTINUES TO DANCE NAKED FOR ME David Beckham knows how to please his Goddess of Football. He lavishes perfume on My shrine and several venerated niches throughout his many palaces. He knows I do not take kindly to plug in air fresheners and that I prefer Givenchy (apart from Amirage). I may have mentioned elsewhere – for it is my favourite anecdote – that David once famously wore a skirt for me in public. His career continues to prosper and I know he’ll be happy in Major League Soccer and fans of LA Galaxy are, as I predicted many years ago. His new fans are learning to love him, for I have shown them the path. I hope that sufficient numbers of these fans learn to dance naked before My shrine in the manner David teaches them. For if they do not LA Galaxy will lose and suffer humiliation.

Here Endeth My Sermon

Your ONLY true

Goddess of Football