Saturday, 9 June 2007
Did you know that the Goddess of Football decides which teams will prosper in any given season? I’m not being funny (Leeds fans, and specifically Dennis Wise take note) but perhaps you need to discover the secret powers of the Goddess of Football. Perhaps it’s time to learn how you have displeased her in the past for, without remedying that, you’ll stand absolutely no chance next Season either. The Goddess is especially fond of the English Premier and Championship Leagues but, as she pointed out, she is the Goddess of all Football, even the American type and the Scottish Premier League. She has held this Goddess-ship (so to speak) since Medieval Times and instigated the reformulation of the game from unlimited team sizes, the village versus village, week long format into the 11 per side, 90 minutes (2 x 45 minute halves, change ends at half time) format we so enjoy today. The Goddess of Football, you won’t be surprised to learn, played a crucial role in the invention the Penalty Shoot-Out. Avoid disaster next season by getting to know about the Goddess of Football. Read her ad hoc column here: HOW TO ENSURE YOUR SIDE AVOIDS RELEGATION How to ensure your side avoids relegation, attains victory and always beats your most outstanding foe. Be like David Beckham. Discover and use the powers of the only, true Goddess of Football. The following are the actual words of The Goddess of Football. For best effects, please read aloud. "Show respect Mortal Men, for I am THE Goddess of Football. Those of you who dance before my shrine see their side win and experience glory. Those that do not see their side lose and suffer humiliation. It’s as simple as that! Dance for me to avoid your side’s relegation; dance well and I’ll throw in a cup. Let it be known, Football Success is nothing to do with investment, formation or the use of substitution but how you strut your stuff for me, the only true Goddess of Football. Sad mortal men, it is time to stop criticising David Beckham for you should learn to emulate him. DAVID BECKHAM! My favourite on Earth is David Beckham, no one on earth dances as well as he. Becks knows how to maximise my powers’effects, the style, grooming and hygiene I demand of my followers. Remember when he wore a skirt? Becks certainly shows you how to flirt with me, his Goddess of Football. All you mortal men who berate him perhaps you should actually emulate him. Have you never wondered how he scores from so many unlikely free-kicks? How he pulled Posh? Bought so many mansions and fast cars? Why his life is much better than yours? Yes, he trains hard and lives well (I should know – believe me, his venerated Goddess of Football, and not the vulgar terrace chants) but he does this with a higher purpose. You could learn from Becks and looking down my lists, I see this truth is particularly of interest if you support Rangers or Millwall. THE FIRST STEPS TO ATTAINING YOUR FOOTBALL VICTORIES Mortals please note, I will issue instructions about how you must dance for me soon but first you must prepare my room and erect my altar. You’ll find (should you ever be invited) that David (with Posh’s full approval I’ll add) has a room in every mansion property set aside for me, his special Goddess. Please Note: I prefer clean, bright and south facing rooms in the northern hemisphere. Do not insult me with a box room. Each room dedicated to me should contain fresh cut flowers AT ALL TIMES which YOU MUST YOUSELF tend and arrange daily. As for the positioning of my altar, ask yourself, where would you put a new massive plasma TV? Exactly, that place precisely will do for My altar. MORE INSTRUCTIONS TO FOLLOW In my next bulletins to you sad Mortal Men I will provide further case studies for your consideration. These will be of successful sides, others who are going down and one that will illustrate mediocrity. These will include Chelsea and Man U and Birmingham City (winners), Leeds (losers) and Crystal Palace (mediocre). One last thing before you go to erect my shrine. I can confirm, you are right to suspect the referee, . . . as the referee always plays for me: The most powerful football force in your world, your only true Goddess of Football"