Saturday, 30 June 2007
THE GODDESS OF FOOTBALL moves in mysterious ways Her wonders to perform and it has fallen to me to write about her latest movements. These are made to assist her followers on Earth. Those men who dance naked affront Her shrine, attend to their personal hygiene, embrace their feminine side and treat mortal women with respect are the only ones allowed to follow Her. Praise be to The Goddess of Football! TRUE FOLLOWERS BE ASSURED True followers will know that She is a powerful Goddess but that there have been occasions (witness the dropping of Becks – her favourite on Earth – from the En-ga-land football team) when her powers have been diminished. True followers keep faith and are rewarded for doing so. NON-BELIEVERS TAKE HEED Please try to understand, oh foolish non-believers that in the Parthenon of polytheist power politics, conspiracy is not banished. Complexity entangles within multi-omnipotent parallels where predictability lives alongside the uni-omnipotent. (See it as another game if you are struggling to make sense of the revelations contained in this blog and other writing inspired by the Only True Goddess of Football). It is a true measure of The Goddess’s powers that She was able to ascend once more the hierarchy of the Immortals and ensure the glorious return of David Beckham to the En-ga-land team. Know also that it was this Goddess who beckoned Becks thither to play for LA Galaxy and gave him the stamina to go out a winner at Real Madrid. This was engineered by The Goddess. Praise be to the Goddess of Football. THE GODDESS SEES AND HEARS ALL SAD MORTAL MEN The Goddess knows, indeed she has heard you saying, despite your belching, farting and gulping of pints, interrupted by your constant need to piss, in your manly pubs on a Saturday night, that you do not share her favour of Becks. You call him “wanker” and “ponce” but you are wrong to do so and will be punished next season . . . just you wait and see. SAD MORTALS CRITICISE BECKS Although recently you begrudgingly admitted Becks’ recall to the team saved En-ga-land from certain humiliation, you now moan on about his imminent departure to play football for LA Galaxy. “He’ll have jet lag . . . the Yanks won’t give him time off.” You stupid, stupid, sad mortal men, how wrong you are. Do you really understand so little about the powers of The Goddess of Football? Can you really not see how She moves in mysterious ways Her wonders to perform for Her favourite on Earth? Do you not read the news? DAVID BECKHAM IS YOUR ROLE MODEL My Goddess understands you sad Mortals – you will not see Becks as your role model and you do not enjoy being told he has better houses and cars than your sad selves. Becks’ wife Posh is also better than your wives (not because your wives don’t have it in them to achieve as much as Victoria but because your heathen ways give them no chance to do so) but you are loathed to admit this fact. Indeed you are most insulting of the Goddess’s favourite Victoria Beckham. Be mindful that you will be punished for this next season also . . . just you wait and see. GIRL POWER – GODDESS POWER! Your wrongful detestation of Becks and Posh has blinded you to reason. You do not want to hear this but I will state it anyway “David and Victoria Beckham enjoy an active and rewarding sex life and this is much better than that you endure – if you’re lucky and your wife doesn’t wake up. Fortunately, for Her favourite on Earth, the Goddess understands him. Subsequently, seeing that Victoria’s libido is at the moment much greater than David’s, due to the fact that she is not professionally fulfilled, the Goddess sort a way to both ensure Victoria’s sexual demands were decreased and David Beckham would sustain the stamina he needs to lead En-ga-land to World Cup victory. She ensured that all objections were overcome and achieved what some people called “the impossible” – the Spice Girls have been reformed. Praise be The Goddess of Football. Goddess Power!