Sunday, 3 June 2007


The Goddess of Football - WORLD CUP 2006 SCENE: Brother Vegas is a modern wandering prophet – born again after discovering 11th century manuscripts a few years ago on the road from Glastonbury to Old Trafford. He is now the second earthly disciple of the true Goddess of Football. (The Goddess’s first disciple and Her favourite on Earth is David Beckham, also known as Becks). The manuscripts, authenticated by several leading historians, are currently the subject of a huge historical controversy and religious and secular world leaders are attempting to suppress them. Don’t let them be suppressed, take heed and circulate the happy news. Bro. Vegas is in a pub, preaching to an audience of mortal men, all supporters of Eng-ga-land before a match. He reads verses from the Gospel of the Goddess of Football and adds his own thoughts. The action starts with him finishing Chapter 3: Verse 2 in a booming biblical voice to the stunned mortal me in his audience. “. . . FOR YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION! Behold I have the proof in my hands – the gospel of Fifi, the true Goddess of Football. Follow the instructions of the true Goddess or otherwise Eng-ga-land will lose and suffer humiliation! Listen to me as I quote from the Goddess's Gospel. Chapter Three: Verse fourteen: "Get thee Male Mortals to mine shrine, thence down upon thine knees. For you must worship me, the Goddess of Football. And verily you will know if your groveling affront mine altar is sufficient and if it isn’t you will know it FOR YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION” Brothers, The Goddess tells us exactly what we must do to avoid loss and humiliation. Follow these, Her instructions I beseech you! Pay attention to this: [Bro. Vegas leafs through the manuscript and adopts his biblical reading voice efficient voice] Chapter Six: Verse Twenty-Eight: Erect thee mine icon in a specially prepared niche and there light a candle in mine honour twenty-four hours before thine kick-off. My wick needs lighting and a quick flicker will not suffice. Ensure that I am thus given flame for forty-five minutes twice before the 22nd hour on the pre-match day. And verily you will understand should My needs be unmet for if you fail to satisfy Me, The Goddess of Football, YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION! [addresses his audience] Despite my efforts the Goddess judged that too few Englishmen had lit her wick before the match against Paraguay at the World Cup in 2006. We were only saved by the dance of her favourite on Earth, David Beckham. Without Becks’ dance there would have been a defeat not the almost acceptable draw. But Brothers, the Goddess tells us how we all should dance – if we had followed the example of Holy Becks we would have beaten the Paraquayans. Listen to her instructions I beg you! Listen to this! Chapter three, verse sixteen: "And my followers will dance, some with poles, wearing only smiles on their faces in front of mine image. They will gyrate and pirouette and make good their demi-pliets. Take heed mortals and perform this ritual only when freshly showered. And verily you will realise your dance’s shortcomings and repent your poor hygiene FOR YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION". The Goddess orders that none of her followers be stinky, please understand that cleanliness is truly next to Goddessliness. No more must we skimp on our personal hygiene should we want ultimate football success. I beg you Mortal Men, shower twice daily to ensure Her most celestial support. Chapter Three: Verse Seventeen, I believe, talks directly of World Cup matters: "Once every four years you will renew your vows to me. Venerate your special Goddess of Football! Refurbish my niche, flora festoon mine altar; make sacrifice of expensive perfumes to me. Learn this lesson male mortals for if you fail mine requirements YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION!" There is more – listen, I pray thee, listen Three, Verse Eighteen: "And once every four years also you will renew your vows to me by lavishing gifts upon the women you neglect by watching my tournament. You shall venerate your special Goddess of Football by pandering to mine chosen gender. Decorate their homes, build on extensions, make purchase of flowers, precious stones and expensive perfumes and present them on your knees. Supplicate affront all my women for if you don’t then verily YOU WILL LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION!" Thus, brothers, it is written that male mortals who do not worship the Goddess and do not accept their lowly status in relation to her chosen gender will “LOSE AND SUFFER HUMILIATION" Here endeth chapter three. But take heart male mortals for the Goddess of Football offers hope and incentive for you to follow her - for it is written that “I will bless those who give me, the Goddess of Football, mine proper adoration . . . And they will know that they have given me their Goddess sufficient adoration FOR THEY WILL WIN AND BE REWARDED!” Listen male mortals to the final verse of your Goddess’s gospel and make accordingly your preparations for tomorrow’s Eng-ga-land game, for it is written: Chapter Twenty- Seven: Verse Twenty-Seven: "Affront mine shrine delight me. Seduce me with your commitment and adore me with the attention I demand. Cavort outrageously as you dance naked with abandon and smile adoringly in my direction. Give mine women on earth their warranted superior station. And verily you will know that your Goddess of Football is pleased FOR YOU WILL WIN AND BE REWARDED!" Here endeth my sermon from the Gospel of the Goddess of Football. For more Comedy Monologues see


TimToTango said...

Hola goddess!

I saw your comment on my BlogReviewBlog.

It is not realy clear to me if it was ment as a request for a review, or that you where just letting the world know of the existence of your blog.

If you want a review, please leave another message in my REVIEW ME post.



TimToTango said...

Hey Goddess!

Wow, I am fast ;-)

Your review is finished, you can read it here.

I hope it pleases your goddessliness, and I am looking forward to your backlink.

Your humble mortal servant,